


If It's What You Want

by HenryWithACause (HenryBoyThatsMe)



Series: Thinking Things Through [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: First Time, Heavy Petting, M/M, Missing Scene, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Slight Dirty Talk, episode 2x07, episode coda, kind of, mlm author
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-18 17:48:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10621995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HenryBoyThatsMe/pseuds/HenryWithACause
Summary: This wasn’t just the next step in a logical series of predetermined milestones, it was a step that he was excited to take.Alec's thoughts on his way to Magnus's loft after talking with Izzy.As always with Magnus it's not what Alec expects, but also as always it's better.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Back with some more missing scenes! I'm really enjoying writing these. 
> 
> No need to read Thought A Lot to get this one, but I'm not gonna complain if you do.

_“If it’s what you want, if it makes you happy, then go for it.”_

Alec turned Izzy’s words over in his head as he walked out of the Institute and towards the subway station.

It was still a relatively new idea to him. This possibility that he could have the things he wanted had practically flipped his world on its axis. Before, he'd never really allowed himself to want things because what was the point of he couldn't get those things anyway? It could only end in frustration, so he figured he may as well save himself the energy and focus on goals that were actually attainable.

With that mindset came a particularly unenthusiastic attitude towards sex.

For the majority of his life he didn’t think of sex as anything more than a necessary step in the path to having children, and he definitely wanted children, so he supposed in some kind of roundabout way he was interested in sex, but it was nothing more than a practical thing to him. Sometimes it was difficult to keep that in mind when faced with Izzy’s ideas about sex, but she was a Shadowhunter anomaly in so many ways that he could just add that to the list and move on.

Not that he wasn’t a sexual person or was totally naive on the subject… It’s just that sexual pleasure and gratification were very much solo concepts. Getting off with another person wasn’t exactly a topic of thought because he knew his only option would be whatever girl he ended up marrying and that wasn’t a prospect that he found especially arousing. So he reserved the idea of another person in his bed to thoughts of his future family and any activities that ended in messy sheets were only accompanied by his laptop and his own hand. As much as he wasn’t a fan of the mundane world, he had to admit that they had great ideas when it came to the existence of porn and private web browsing.

That’s just how it was for him.

He kept his head forward, focused on his mission, and compartmentalized his thoughts into rational boxes so he wouldn’t be bothered with the stress of wanting things he couldn’t have.

And then there was Magnus.

Liking Magnus was the first time he had _wanted_ in a way that no amount of logical thought or compartmentalizing could fix. Even his crush on Jace had fit more easily into his neat file boxes than he’d like to admit. By liking Jace he could acknowledge to himself that he liked men without acknowledging any kind of real possibility to ever act on his attraction. His feelings for Magnus were everything he spent his life trying to avoid.

At first it was awful. It was a special kind of suffering to have such a beautiful man be so obviously interested in him without the ability to respond in the way he so desperately wanted. Every blink of those smoky glittered eyes in his direction upended one of his mental boxes and sent impossible possibilities tumbling to the forefront of his thoughts. Then it was infuriating because all he could think was “ _Why?_ ” Why did he have to keep himself hidden? Why did he have to shoulder the burden of his parents’ mistakes? Why was marrying Lydia the only way to fix things? Why couldn’t he have Magnus? The questions were dangerous, but with his system collapsed he had no way of preventing them from forming. They repeated over and over in his head until he found himself staring across the aisle at Magnus, the stained glass glinting off of his velvet suit jacket and his eyes waiting for answers to all of the same questions. In that moment everything froze because the answers were right there in front of him: He didn’t. It wasn’t. _He could_.

The incident with Izzy’s trial, and knowing Magnus and Luke and even Simon (though he’d kill anyone who suggested it) taught him that the Clave’s ideas about Downworlders were twisted and wrong, so maybe the same could be true of a gay Shadowhunter. He didn’t want to close himself off from happiness anymore to satisfy people who he knew were in the wrong. He wanted to be free and he wanted everyone to see exactly who was responsible for his happiness.

Alec snapped out of his thoughts when he heard the telltale beep of the doors about to close and realized it was his stop. He didn’t even remember getting on the train, he’d been so lost in his own mind. Maybe Izzy was right, maybe he did overthink things.

With the help of his trained reflexes and superior speed he made it through the doors and onto the platform before it was too late. He took a moment to orient himself, shoved his hands in his pockets, and set off in the direction of the exit that would let him out closest to Magnus’s building.

Magnus’s building. The place he was going because he was thinking about having sex with his boyfriend.

Wow, that was a thought he really never expected to have in his life.

“ _If it’s what you want, if it makes you happy, then go for it_.”

Did he want it?

He thought about his annoyance at Jace’s untimely and inconsiderate noise after his date with Magnus, of how disappointed he’d been later that same night when he got the alert that he was needed at the Institute. He thought about how every time he kissed Magnus he never wanted it to end, about the flare of heat that would start in his chest and spread lower almost anytime they were alone. He thought about the stunned look on Magnus’s face when he’d told him that he didn’t care about his exes and then again when he’d given him his gift. He thought about how he wanted Magnus to know just how much he cared and just how much he wanted to share with him. He also thought of the ripple of muscles in Magnus’s back when he’d seen him exercising his magic on the balcony, of kissing after their date and how he’d considered giving in to the temptation to shift further into Magnus’s arms and straddle his thighs right before his phone went off, of the way his voice would change after a particularly heavy kiss and the times he’d wondered what other noises he could coax out of him.

He bit his lip as he walked and was very thankful for his invisibility rune lest his face betrayed any hints as to the nature of his thoughts.

Oh yes. He definitely wanted it.

Would it make him happy?

Honestly, anything with Magnus would probably make him happy. But even if there were things involving the two of them that wouldn’t make him happy, this was definitely not on that list. He was allowed to want things now. He was in a relationship now, a relationship that while not without its hardships was progressing wonderfully. This wasn’t just the next step in a logical series of predetermined milestones, it was a step that he was excited to take.

Of course it would make him happy.

He felt the same sense of determination he had before their kiss at his almost-wedding wash over him as he waited for the elevator to carry him to the top floor. He had a goal and he was going after it, but this time there were undercurrents of new feelings weaving their way into the familiar. His skin hummed with an almost giddy energy and he could already feel the anticipatory traces of arousal starting in his stomach. He started to shift on his feet and found himself wishing he’d taken the stairs so he could burn off some of the energy and be a little more composed by the time he reached Magnus’s door.

Too late to consider that now though. The elevator doors slid open and he stepped into the hall. He took a breath, hoped to the Angel that Jace wasn’t at the loft, and knocked on Magnus’s door.

Magnus greeted him with a warm smile and a gentle, “Hey.”

Alec was struck - as he always seemed to be - by the sheer beauty of him. Even without a fancy outfit or colored hair or quite as much glitter as he usually wore, he was still heart stoppingly gorgeous.

Fuck, how was this really his life?

He stepped into the loft and looked around for signs of his parabatai’s presence as he took off his jacket, “Is Jace here?” he asked, just to be sure.

“No, he left hours ago. Are you okay?”

Alec was only distantly aware of the concern in Magnus’s voice as everything after the word _No_ faded into the background. They were alone. Jace was out of the loft and his phone was on silent. There would be no interruptions this time. With that thought ringing in his head, he lunged at Magnus, gripping the sides of his face and bringing their mouths firmly together. He closed his eyes and savored the taste of Magnus’s lips, warm against his with just the slightest scrape of stubble against his chin from Magnus’s goatee. He felt hands coming to rest on his shoulders and he sighed in anticipation of being pulled closer… but the hands weren't pulling, they were pushing. Confusion rippled its way through Alec and he allowed himself to be pushed back a bit, their lips separating, so he could search Magnus’s face for why he'd stopped them.

“Hey, what's this all about? I mean, I'm not complaining, but…” he trailed off and Alec noted with some surprise that he looked genuinely confused.

“I - I just thought... You know, I thought we could take the next step.”

“The sex step.” It sounded weird when said like that, but it wasn't wrong, so Alec just nodded.

“Yeah.”

The confusion in Magnus’s face cleared, but it was replaced with something like reluctance. In truth Alec wasn't really sure what the look was, but it wasn't anything like the enthusiasm that he'd expected and hoped that he'd see.

“Alexander, I may be experienced, but it’s rare that I’ve ever felt this way about someone and… I worry that once we…” This was the first time that Alec had ever seen Magnus struggle with his words. He was always so smoothly eloquent and the change in character made him focus even more than getting pushed away from their kiss. If Magnus didn't know what to say, then it was obviously something heavy. But then he did the very last thing Alec ever wanted: he turned and walked away from him. The distance was apparently what he needed though, because he was finally able to get his words out. “That if we rush into this that I may lose you.”

 _What?_ Alec was dumbfounded. Never in a million years could he have predicted that being the cause of Magnus’s hesitation. It was also almost comically far away from his own feelings on the subject. Part of what make this whole situation both as daunting and as desirable as it felt was because he couldn't think of anything that would bring them closer to one another. Maybe he was naive for thinking that way, but he honestly couldn't fathom leaving someone after sharing something so intimate with them. Unable to think of anything more coherent to say, he simply gave voice to the words that were running over and over in his head, “What? Why would you think that?” His mouth curved into a half smile that he hoped conveyed how far away that idea was from his mind and took a step forward. He wanted to touch him, wanted to show him that he was there with him and wasn't going anywhere.

Thankfully, Magnus didn't turn away again. He stayed planted and allowed their eyes to meet. The intensity in his gaze was almost overwhelming, it was open and painfully honest in a way Alec had never seen from him before. “Look, you’re not the only one that feels vulnerable.” The admission was more of a surprise than it probably should have been, but as he turned the meaning of it over in his mind he recalled something else. _You're new to me too._ They were learning each other, and just because Alec had more to learn didn't mean that Magnus knew everything. The things that Alec did know were suddenly feeling relevant in a way that he wanted to kick himself for not seeing sooner. He knew about Magnus's past with Camille, he knew that she hurt him, he knew that Magnus hadn't been in a serious relationship for a long time. Of course this would be a big deal for him too.

“Magnus, you have nothing to worry about. I _want_ this.” It wasn't much, but it was the truth. He wanted Magnus in a way he'd never wanted anyone or anything before. His hands found the buttons on Magnus's shirt and he leaned in to kiss him again, hoping that all of the things he couldn't find a way to voice could be felt through that action. It worked at the wedding, so why not now?

The relief he felt when Magnus kissed him back was indescribable.

Maybe they were both nervous, but maybe that was okay.

They moved blindly into the bedroom, focused intently on each other and only distantly aware of their destination. Alec took the lead only in the sense that he was the one walking forward, but that changed once they were over the threshold and Magnus pressed him against the door - which Alec realized he'd apparently closed at some point. They weren't even doing anything new yet and it was already so good. The anticipation of what was coming made every breath sweeter, every kiss hotter, and every moment that passed with them pressed together echoed the amazing reminder that _this was his._ This moment, this experience, this warlock. Nothing compared.

Alec gasped as Magnus's hands moved from his shoulders to flatten over his chest and slowly move down. The sudden shift left them breathing heavily against each other's mouths more than actually kissing, but it didn't matter - fuck - nothing mattered except Magnus's hands on him. Alec could feel heat building in him, sharp and insistent, and then those hands reached the waistband of his pants and all of his awareness zeroed in on that point. He held his breath as he waited for the touch to move lower. Time seemed to slow and it took him a few very long moments to realize that Magnus had paused, his fingertips resting on his belt, but making no actual move to go anywhere else just yet. Confused and more than a little frustrated, Alec forced his eyes open.

He was met with a slight smirk pulling at kiss bitten lips and glowing yellow cat eyes staring back at him. “Is this okay?” Magnus asked, pressing lightly against the material under his fingers to indicate his meaning, but his voice carrying an extra layer of uncertainty that Alec would have to puzzle out another time when he wasn't frozen in place by his boyfriend’s gorgeously inhuman eyes and powerful hands that he desperately wanted just a couple of inches lower.

“Yes. Stop asking, just touch me.” Again, not the most flowery language, but it was honest.

Magnus let out a short laugh and leaned in until his lips brushed against Alec's ear, “Oh Alexander, you should know better than that. How am I supposed to know what you want if I don't ask?”

Alec wanted to glare at him and he tried, he really did, but he knew he failed. It was pretty damn difficult to glare when he was so turned on, especially when the person he was trying to glare at was the reason why. Ultimately he just gave up his attempts and settled for knocking his head against the wall and groaning. “Ugh, why do you have to make sense?”

There was another laugh and a kiss to his neck before he got his answer, “Centuries of wisdom, my dear. Now, let’s try this again,” Magnus said, hooking his fingers under Alec’s belt and giving it a gentle tug, “Is this okay?”

A soft whimper left Alec’s throat entirely without permission from his brain as he nodded, “Yes… _Please_.”

“Now that’s more like it,” Magnus commented as he made quick work of the belt under his fingers. His other hand slid back up Alec’s torso to his neck and pulled him into another crushing kiss.

Alec's belt hit the floor with a quiet clink and Magnus started to slowly maneuver them backwards towards his bed. When he felt the mattress hit the back of his legs, Magnus separated from their kiss and took Alec's hand as he sat down and slowly slid himself across the covers until his back rested against the headboard. Alec just held his hand and watched him move with a dazed and far off expression on his face. Magnus gave a light tug to their joined hands, “Hey, come here,” he murmured softly. Alec just nodded and climbed onto the bed next to him, but Magnus kept pulling, willing him closer until Alec's knees brushed against his side and he gently encouraged him to straddle his hips. “Mmm, perfect. Now, let's try to get you back to Earth.”

Alec blinked in confusion and tried to search Magnus's face for any sign of his usual teasing. “What do you mean? I'm right here.”

“Oh yes, these lovely, physical parts of you are definitely here,” Magnus agreed, smoothing his hands up and down Alec’s jean covered thighs. “But your mind is far, far away. Trust me, I know how easy it is to get swept up in all of the lust and excitement, but I promise you it’ll be better if your brain and your body can enjoy it together.”

Alec still felt a little hazy, but the fog was clearing bit by bit and Magnus’s words - to the extent that he could actually understand them - made sense. Although, they conflicted with the passion fueled images he’d pictured for most of this life… “But isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?” he asked.

“Nope. There isn’t really any ‘supposed to be’ aside from it’s supposed to be pleasurable. Other than that, everyone is different.”

Alec nodded and drew in a deep breath, tipping forward as he exhaled until their foreheads pressed together. He focused on the feeling of where their skin met, the brush of Magnus’s product-infused hair against his own barely brushed curls, the heat of Magnus’s palms through the fabric of his pants. He used those feelings to ground him, to steady his breathing until he felt he was sufficiently present in the moment. “Okay, I'm here.”

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

The difference was already noticeable. It felt like the air had shifted somehow. It was less hot and heavy and more of a secure stillness with the calm promise of more. Alec could feel Magnus underneath him in a way he couldn't earlier. He could feel the hard press of muscles where he was resting on his thighs and he could feel the steady rise and fall of deep breaths under his hands. It felt amazing. He looked into Magnus's eyes to tell him as much, but was caught off guard by his unglamored warlock mark. Shit, he was beautiful. It seemed that thought was constantly running through Alec's mind when it came to Magnus, but it was hard to stop when he kept finding out there were always new ways that he was beautiful. He also realized that Magnus had dropped the glamour on his eyes a while ago at this point and flushed a little at the thought of just how far gone he'd been.

He leaned in for a quick kiss with a murmured, “Sorry.”

Magnus flashed a smile. “No worries. But before we get to the fun stuff, I'm curious. Why now?”

“Oh. I've been, uh, thinking about it for a while. I just - I didn't know when would be right, so I asked Izzy and she said, um… She said if I wanted it and if it made me happy, then I should do it… So here I am,” Alec finished his explanation with a shrug. It still felt a little weird to talk about his feelings so much, but he was getting used to it.

“Here you are,” Magnus echoed. “I'm glad to hear that I make you happy.”

“Of course you do.” The words were out before Alec even finished thinking them and he would have been embarrassed about speaking so fast if it weren't for how pleased Magnus looked in response.

“You make me happy too, Alexander.”

“Good.” An entirely unsexy, but equally consuming warmth flared through Alec at Magnus's statement. He was reminded once again that no matter what his parents or the Clave had to say, this thing he had was _good._ They made each other happy, so what in the world could be bad about it?

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, just basking in the warmth of one another’s affection. Hands caressed cheeks, lips pressed together in soft, unhurried kisses, breath mingled, bodies relaxed. In all honestly, Alec couldn’t think of anything more perfect, but he had come here tonight for a reason and he wasn’t about to let himself forget about it. Besides, he was pretty sure that Magnus could make anything perfect. “So… Fun stuff?”

Magnus laughed in a way that lit up his whole face, his eyes crinkling at the corners and his head thumping back against the corners. It was probably one of the best things Alec had ever seen. 

“Of course, the main event. Was there anything in particular you had in mind to try tonight?” he asked.

Alec could only shake his head. For all of his consideration about what he wanted, he had neglected to actually think about specifics past _sex with Magnus_. Apparently that was a bigger oversight than he’d anticipated. Whoops.

“That’s fine. How about I tell you my ideas and you can just let me know if you like them?”

Alec nodded, “That works.”

“Perfect. First, how do you feel about hickeys? Because as much as I love all of your runes, I hate to think of marking you up as a Shadowhunter only activity,” Magnus asked, lightly tracing a finger across the deflect rune that stretched across his neck.

Fucking hell, Alec was pretty sure that such a simple and relatively tame request shouldn’t be as hot as it was, but here he was, suddenly biting his lip and willing himself not to slip back into the aroused stupor he’d been in earlier. He exhaled a shaky breath, “Yeah, that’s fine.”

“Wonderful! And of course, feel free to return the favor.”

Alec nodded, not really trusting his words at the moment. He found himself unable to wait much longer, but it was different from before, closer to the inevitable draw of gravity than unhinged passion. In the end that's what his relationship with Magnus was: gravity. From the moment they saw each other there was a pull, a power completely separate from runes or magic that nudged them towards one another. Alec felt that pull again, lifting his hands to cup Magnus's face and kiss him. He pressed as close as was possible, molding their bodies together and feeling their warmth mingle in the places where their skin touched. His hands found their way to the hem of Magnus's shirt, breaking from the kiss to breath out a cautious, “Can I?” against Magnus's lips. His only answer was a slow nod, ringed fingers moving to his sides in a sort of _‘go ahead’_ gesture. Alec pressed in for one more kiss, savoring the wetness of Magnus's tongue as it moved across his bottom lip, before leaning back fully so he could see what he was doing and the skin he was revealing when he dragged the shirt up and over Magnus's head.

He'd seen Magnus's chest before, so in the grand scheme of things taking off his shirt probably wasn't as big of a deal as it felt, but the grand scheme of things didn't really matter, all that mattered was the two of them in this very comfortable bed. Plus, last time Alec was around Magnus shirtless he didn't get the chance to admire the view and he was not about to make that same mistake twice. Seriously, how could one man be so fucking beautiful? Honestly, Alec thought he should probably pace himself when it came to marveling at how gorgeous Magnus was considering they both had a lot more clothing to take off. He smoothed his hands down Magnus's torso, relishing the dip and rise of his fingers as they slid over the defined muscles of his abs. As he gazed at the musculature of his chest and arms, he couldn't help the fleeting thought that he'd love for them to spar sometime. Though if they ever made that thought a reality it should probably happen away from prying eyes as Magnus's strength was undeniably a turn on for Alec.

He leaned in for a kiss, but for once he didn’t linger at his lips - at least not for too long - because he needed to get up close and personal with the newly exposed stretch of skin. He was also learning that it was apparently possible for one body part to be jealous of another, since it seemed that part of his haste in moving from touching to kissing was because his lips and tongue seemed to be mad that his hands were getting all of the action. Alec hummed at the taste of Magnus’s skin under his lips. He tasted how warmth felt, with faint hints of salt from the sweat that was just barely starting to gather. He was smooth and clean where Alec was scarred and runed and hairy, he was hot where Alec was cold, he was a rich brown where it would be a reach to call Alec tan, they were full of opposites and Alec basked in every single one of them.

Above his head he could hear Magnus letting out soft sighs and hums of appreciation and pleasure. Once again he was glad that he had been made to stop and calm down earlier. Not that calming down meant he was less turned on, nope he was still ridiculously aroused, it just wasn’t making him hazy and loopy anymore. If Magnus hadn’t paused them when he did, then Alec might not have noticed those sounds or felt the way the muscles in Magnus’s chest jumped under his lips or noticed the shiver that went through his body when Alec reached the place where one would expect a belly button to be and licked across it. He couldn’t help but think that without those little details the whole experience would feel more two dimensional, less real.

Eventually, Magnus curled his fingers into Alec’s hair and tugged to get him to sit up and make eye contact. The move was unexpected and the shock of arousal that went straight from Magnus’s hold on his hair to his groin was even less expected, so he had no way of predicting or controlling the broken moan that left his mouth. Granted, a fraction of it was probably disappointment from being interrupted from his very important task of kissing Magnus’s chest, but most of it was definitely the hair pulling.

“Oh, you like that?” Magnus asked, his eyes glinting. “I will keep that in mind. Right now though, it’s my turn.” He pushed on Alec’s shoulders until their positions on the bed were reversed and he was leaning over him. Magnus trailed his fingers down Alec’s shirt, lingering at the hem for a moment before pushing it up just enough to uncover the area where a trail of hair disappeared into the waistline of his pants. Magnus dipped his head down until the hair tickled his nose and started kissing along his stomach. He quickly decided that this was a new favorite activity. He worked his way across the waistline of Alec's pants, kissing and licking at the skin just above the denim, and only once he felt he'd sufficiently familiarized himself with that patch of skin did he push Alec's shirt up a few more inches.

Amid the labored breathing and the occasional whimper Magnus thought he heard something that sounded a little like an interested “huh,” and a huffed laugh. He couldn't be totally sure since most of the sounds coming from Alec were flatteringly aroused nonsense, but it was enough to make him pause and look up. “What is it?”

Alec lifted his head with a confused look, “What?” After another moment though, he seemed to remember (realize?) his own words. “Oh, I uh, I guess I just thought you'd…” he trailed off and waved a hand around in his usual imitation of Magnus's magic.

“You assumed I would just zap your clothes off?” Alec nodded. “I _could_ if I wanted, but I much prefer to take my time.” Alec gave another weak nod before his head dropped back onto the pillow and Magnus returned to his task.

He couldn’t help but appreciate the feel of the contrasting textures under his lips. The slight coarseness of hair overlaying soft skin, the occasional bump of old scars, the almost imperceptible and indescribable difference of Alec’s runes. He paid special attention to the runes. For much of his life - and still for the most part - Magnus harbored a distinct distaste for the angelic marks, mainly because he couldn’t stand the way most Shadowhunters bore them with an air of such obnoxious superiority. Alec was different though, as he was in so many ways. Magnus traced the runes on his chest first with his tongue and then his fingers. He delighted in the way Alec’s breath would hitch whenever he touched another one of the black marks. Judging by the reactions to his attention, Magnus assumed that the runed skin was slightly more sensitive than the rest, a theory he vowed to test thoroughly. He diligently kept the promise of taking his time, pushing the shirt up inch by slow inch while Alec tried and failed to stay calm above him.

Eventually, Magnus reached the impasse of Alec’s arms. His shirt was bunched up at his collarbone and there was no where else for it to go besides back down or entirely off. It really wasn’t much of a choice at all. Magnus prompted Alec to sit up and finally pulled the fabric over his head and dropped it on the floor beside the bed. Once Alec had settled back down onto the pillows, Magnus took a moment to sit back and admire the whole picture. He often wished he could take Alec shopping to replace all of his fading and fraying shirts, but looking at his bare chest now he couldn’t help but abandon that idea in favor of just letting his old shirts unravel until he had nothing left to wear. Shadowhunters were hot blooded, he could stand the chill of never wearing a shirt. With those thoughts came images of Alec out on patrol, still shirtless, but wearing his leather gear jacket, the strap of his quiver cutting a thick black line across the hair and runes on his chest and his weapons holster strapped low on his hips. Delectable.

When his admiration brought him up to Alec’s face he couldn’t help his sharp intake of breath at the sight of such open and eager desire. It was a look that reflected all of his own feelings back to him, told him that he wasn’t the only one admiring the view, that he wasn’t the only one who couldn’t quite believe this was real, that he wasn’t the only one who _wanted_ so much that it almost scared him. The look on Alec’s face told Magnus that he wasn’t alone and that even if this next step in their relationship lead them over a cliff, then they would fall together and hold hands on the way down.

Magnus felt a flare of affection so powerful that for a moment he almost forgot about how turned on he was and why they were even in his bed, but the flare soon faded to a pleasant warmth that settled low in his stomach and strengthened his arousal to a burning need. Seeing that look on Alec’s face told him that they were on the same page. They saw each other’s wants, but also each other’s nerves and vulnerabilities. There was no need to fear because any fear would be understood, wouldn’t be judged. This wasn’t about experience or lack thereof, this was just about them and what they were building and experiencing together.

Magnus leaned over Alec, settling his weight on one arm while the other rested on Alec’s chest and slowly moved downward.

Alec bit his lip and fought to keep his eyes open. He was starting to lose his mind from the anticipation and drawn out teasing, but he didn’t want to miss a single moment. Nothing could ever compare to the way Magnus looked right now, so there was no way he was about to give up that sight for something as simple as the darkness behind his eyelids. His breathing was heavy and his skin felt too tight and there was a molten heat that settled in his body wherever Magnus’s hand touched as it moved lower, lower… lower. Finally the hand settled flat against the fly of his pants. Alec’s hips twitched up unconsciously, silently pleading for the hand to press down and increase the pressure.

Magnus didn’t comply with the obvious request, but he did him one better, he leaned in and pressed their lips together in a firm kiss. Hot breath and yearning whimpers passed between them until they could no longer tell which noises were coming from whom. In the midst of their kisses, Magnus took his hand away from Alec’s crotch - much to both of their disappointment - just long enough to take Alec’s wrist and guide it between their bodies to press against his own straining hard on. The simultaneous groan that left them at the feeling of Alec’s hand on Magnus more than made up for the brief lack of attention to Alec’s arousal. Magnus pressed his body down, savoring the shock of pleasure that ran through him before he separated their mouths just enough to talk, lips still brushing as he murmured, “Let’s take care of each other, shall we?” The words were dripping with innuendo and if only the tone was audible there wouldn’t be any other interpretation besides _‘shall we fuck?’_ but the phrase itself was tender and full of the promise of soft attentiveness and mutual pleasure. The two combined was so wonderfully _Magnus_ that Alec was once again struck dumb by the perfection of how it felt to actually have something he so desperately wanted.

There was no other reaction than to flex the fingers that were pressed into Magnus’s pants and nod his wholehearted consent. He didn’t trust his voice, but he trusted Magnus and he trusted that they were good together. This first time would be amazing even if it was just frantic hands and heavy breathing, after all, it already was amazing.

Alec wasn’t sure what divine or damned entity he should thank for putting Magnus in his life, so as he felt the top button of his fly come undone under skilled fingers, he just settled for putting some silent gratitude into the air and hoping it reached deserving ears.

**Author's Note:**

> Side note: I totally believe that Alec saw Magnus's cat eyes on a few different occasions before the scene at Max's party. I think his eagerness to look at them in that scene is just because he never passes up an opportunity to see them again ;)
> 
> \- - - - -
> 
> Find me on tumblr at lightwoodbanemlm!


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